The Cost to Follow

Every good thing in life involves relationship. Friends, family and workmates. Jesus made some very strong statements about how following Him can come between the people you love and live with. He demands that we place extreme value on him- in contrast to value we place on others. Jesus even framed those points of internal reference comparing that to “hating” others in contrast to our devotion to Him. Devotion to Him requires extreme separation from anything and anyone who comes between us and Him. 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ.. This is especially pertinent when we first come into the family of God by faith. God must intentionally and forcefully bring separation from the things and people that have held sway over our being - bringing bondage to sin and loyalty that divides. God, through the Holy Spirit determinedly sets in motion in our life- pre and post faith in Christ a necessary agony that comes from setting aside our earthly loyalty and relationships that further our distance from Him. He forcefully stands defiant of allowing anything getting between Him and our relationship to Him. I say, “forcefully” because throughout the scriptural narrative God is always calling men and women to decide who they valued the most - HIM or Them…. Him or sin. Luke 14:26-27 “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. How did this play out in my life? What and when did God step into the mess of my life and forcefully separate me unto himself. I say, “forcefully” because it took a dramatic event to get my attention. When God calls us to himself, especially someone in deep bondage like myself He seems to have to make His point dramatically. He did with Paul and many others. As you have followed my story, you already know that my coming to faith was drawn out… I had to see it in a life… I had to hear it through God’s word ( by reading it in secret) and I had to accept it fully in public. That is not to say that others can not come to faith is private settings- For me God wanted me to make it plain in front of others. We also we that throughout the Bible. By this time, it was late December 1980. I was still trying to self-reform. I was still playing in the same places and with the same people, so to speak. So, I wasn’t being very successful at reformation. Internally, I was conflicted and convicted. God’s mercy was that He patiently led me along. But that patience would come to an end. His call on my life - His conviction in my heart and mind would have to be dealt with and He decided to do it in such a way that it would force my decision to follow Him. Using the word “force” doesn’t mean that I was being taken captive - but that I was being led to make a decision that would break the bonds of relationships and separate me from them to Him. Fridays were pay day and party day. Cash my check - stop at the liquor store - go to our friends house and there eat - drink and be “miserable”. At least that was how it was that Friday (December 19th, 1980) We had been drinking and playing games and talking. Everyone knew that I was going through this struggle toward faith. I was sitting and drinking with 7 of my friends. We were well into a fifth of Jack and a case of Miller. This is where things get spiritual. Well into the evening the subject of “religion” came into our conversation. There’s nothing good about 7 drunk people talking about issues of faith and the meaning of life. Something unexplainable came over me in the midst of that conversation. I didn’t know it then, but it was the Holy Spirit bringing to the forefront all that had been going on in my heart and mind for months. The things I written about in this blog. Yet, this time He wasn’t passively provoking me. Sitting there in the depths of my drunken stupor I come to the full understanding that I had to make a strong definitive life altering decision - in that very moment, who I was going to follow. I would go far as to say that I “felt” the Holy Spirit say to me - “its now or never”. In other words, He was making one final offer for me to decisively come to faith in Christ. In that moment, God gave me the clarity of mind to understand that I couldn’t continue to run from Him. I had been investigating and experiencing the truth of the gospel for months. Ken Liles always says, “the Bible has a unique way of making Christians out of people”. The word of God is powerful and separates us from our blindness and brokenness. It pours light into our darkened heart. That evening God gave me the strength to stand up and walk out of that house understanding that my life was being altered forever. I could never go back to who I was… what I was doing… and who I was doing it with. One of my friends stopped me while I was on my way to the door - I was weeping - He asked, what is going on? I simply said, I’ve been running from God. That decision permanently changed those friendships. From that night on, I was considered an outcast from them. The cost of following Christ begins with not just our sin, but our friends. For weeks, I lived alone - ate alone... in fact a few days later on Christmas I ate alone at Denny's because I had not place to go or anyone to celebrate Christmas with... Bill Borden - missionary to Eygpt wrote in the cover of his Bible three statements that define my decision that evening. BB - "No Reserve"- BG - I've tried to give my all since that day. BB - "No Return" - BG - I've never thought of going back to that old life BB - "No Regret" - BG- I've never regretted saying yes to Jesus and no to the very things that would have bond me in an eternity without Christ. I came to Christ four weeks later… but before I could hear the gospel clearly God had to remove the debris and the distractions. He had to dramatically speak to my heart and mind. I had to come to place where I wanted Him more than anything. Romans 5:20-21 Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

One-Eyed Jack

I mentioned a dream in my last blog that impacted me greatly toward belief in Christ. Before I get into the dream story I need to be totally clear about my thoughts about dreams and putting too much stock in them. I consider it a very dangerous exercise to think every dream or any dream for that matter needs interpretation by some person with a supposed gift of it. Yes, there are in scripture men, like Daniel who could interpret dreams. Today, we have the more sure word of prophecy, the word of God that we must trust in fully. Men, even godly men/women can be misled or mislead trying to bring some sense to someone’s dream. The dream I am going to tell you about was demonic, an attempt to turn me away from the gospel. It was baked in pure evil even as brief as it was. I am not a card player - but solitaire is a simple game that my simple mind can enjoy. During that in between time of Dick dropping the bomb and me coming to faith in Christ there were many battles in my life. Relationship battles - physical battles and serious spiritual battles that my darkened heart and mind was blind to in most cases. But this dream was clearly a spiritual one. Satan knew I was being drawn away from his kingdom into the kingdom of light and life. He (Satan) doesn’t give away his slaves easily. My dream was an attempt to discourage and intimidate me from going forward with investigating Biblical faith. The Bible was fueling my faith (Romans 10:17). My friends and co-workers were discouraging my inquiries. In fact, my friends were quite threatening at times. So this dream was just a continuation of many conflicts. This dream, was seriously colorfast. I had never had a dream that dynamic, nor have I since. I am alone - in a dark room. The cards seemed to be going in my favor. I was seemingly succeeding. But as I turned a card, it happened to be a “One -Eyed Jack”. Great! I had just the place for it open. As I laid the down - it began to speak to me. Remember this is a dream. It’s message was plain and simple and I fully understood what was a stake. He simply said, “You will never win- I own you”. Even in my sinful state, I knew we were not talking about the game. The dream was so vivid and powerful I immediately woke up knowing that I had encountered Satan. I never told anyone about this dream, but like Mary, I pondered it in my heart. In those pre-Christ days every thing seemed to be building toward a dramatic new beginning. But now, I know that God is patient - long suffering and He is super strategic in how He brings men and women to himself. We often hurry in our evangelistic efforts, and reasonably so. We do not know what is going to happen in someone’s life. But, God’s sovereignty rules - He uses men - His Word and His Spirit to bring salvation to all men. My story is no different than anyone else’s. God's patience and strategy is simply to anchor our faith in HIM! He is going to remove anything and everything will get it the way of it. The dream was a motivator for me. I knew I had to make a decision. To give in and walk away from God’s working in my life or take a bold step forward, regardless of the cost. I had read that following Christ demanded a cost - that cost was a cross. I had no idea what it that meant, but I knew I couldn’t turn back. I had tasted of God’s goodness through His word and because of that I knowingly had the courage to move forward. Yes, I still attempting self-reform. “Trying” to drink less - smoke less dope. My friends tried to convince me that “moderation” was the key. This simply goes to prove of God’s incredible patience. But even God’s patience has it limits. I found out that reality on December 19th, 1980. I’ll tell you about that in another story.

Vessels of Honor - The Gospel Influence of Faithful Men in My Redemption Story

Understanding the heart of God is quite easy, if you are familiar with the scriptures. His extravagant pursuit of people from Genesis to Revelation is quite clear. John 3:16-17 screams how God loves the lost. The other side of understanding the heart of God is understanding the mind and ways of God. Paul, told the Corinthians that apart fro God’s Spirit it is impossible to knows God’s mind and ways. So, to the lost. To the spiritually blind and dead one of the only ways to know the mind of God and His ways is through another person. Let me be clear, God’s toolbox is full, for sure. His favorite tools are His People, His Word and His Spirit. His ways are past discovery for the unredeemed and most of the time by the redeemed. Our sinfulness is a titanic barrier to fully understanding God. Yet, He is never not pursuing every living person. “ If I be lifted up I will draw ALL men unto me”. How does he do that? How will every person be “drawn” to Him? Humanly speaking, when people don’t “get” us, we tend to avoid them. Not so with God. He passionately pursues us. He comes face to face with us through those people who have come to him and found life in His name. Freedom from Sin. Joy in His presence. Peace that passes all understanding. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Late in 1980, around September I was assigned to a project that I really wasn’t excited about. See, I had moved to Southern New Mexico to work as an Ironworker and Welder. Wes Kelley owned the company I was working for at that time. Wes, was a giant of a man in many ways. His stature was huge. His personality was resolute. His heart was fully for God. Wes wasn’t the first believer I had ever met - but he was the first to capture my attention as truly Godly person. I worked on a myriad of projects for Wesco Construction in the oil fields, mining industry, commercial buildings. Around September I was assigned to a church project. Wes was a deacon at growing AG church. They needed more educational space and we obviously got the bid. One of the things that made the project frustrating was that churches always want things on the cheap. So, cutting cost was prime concern. Which meant that I would get a “volunteer” helper. This is where I begin to discover God’s mind in small ways. God had for years been planting into my blinded heart seeds of the gospel. My blindness was pervasive. Empowered by years of abuse and sin my heart was evil, my soul was dark. Anger and isolation ruled me. Drugs and alcohol fueled me. Work gave me some kind of purpose. Back to my volunteer helper. Well, what I can I say. He was quite a man. 78 years old. Joyful. Super fit. He was totally unashamed of the gospel. Which at the time I resented. Long story short, Dick was the human being that hugely impacted my life for the gospel. He was a rather unique individual. Honestly, I wasn’t very kind or nice to Dick. I was actually quite hateful. My brokenness and addictions had clouded my heart. I was emotionally stunted, insecure and had built some walls around my life that would only allow certain people to get close. After about three-four weeks on the job we began to connect. I began to see him somewhat like my father. He was a man. Hard worker. Successful. He commanded some respect just because of his story. Dick never stopped talking about Jesus and how He had transformed his life. He would pray before we started our day. AND he wasn’t shy to share truth with me in natural conversation. I was oblivious to how the Holy Spirit was shredding my heart. With each prayer, mention of Jesus my heart began to open up. Then one day Dick dropped a bomb of me. I was on a ladder about 8 feet in the air, wearing a full set of leathers to protect my clothes and skin from the welding sparks. It was HOT. I was sweating like crazy and I was severely hungover. So, not in a “good mood”. I was welding, and Dick began to pull on my pants leg. I tried to ignore him because I didn’t want to stop the bead I was welding. He pulled a little more seriously and so I thought I was on fire. I stopped, pulled my hood up to look at myself and I wasn’t on fire - so I looked at him and angrily asked, ‘what do you want”? This is where he drops the bomb - a spiritual bomb. He said to me, “ Bill, do you know that it is possible to live once and die twice? But is it also possible to die once and live twice?” That was not my best of moments with Dick. I was quite rude and pulled my hood down and started to work again. Dick never said much the rest of the day. He know that he had pricked me with truth. In fact, he had shown love like I never felt - He told me the truth without fear. That night, I was miserable. I couldn’t get unhooked from that statement. Obviously, the Holy Spirit was tilling soil and about to reap the seeds that had been sown in my life for years unknown to me. This provoked me to begin to read the Bible. My roommate had a coverless children’s Bible that I stole from him to read. My heart was open and I yearned for some kind of peace on my heart. For 12 years, since I was 10 I sought to fill the emptiness of my life with every kind of drug and drink that I could. The Bible began to reveal in my my sin and create in me a curiosity. Obviously, I couldn’t understand what I was reading. But, I came to realize later that it wasn’t me reading the Bible - But the Bible reading me. A battle began to brew in my life. An internal battle. Fighting around my sin and my friends. I knew that in order to reform my life things had to change. In brilliant fashion my attempt at self reform was a great failure. Along the way, two major things happened that will require additional space. A dream and a extreme break with my friends. Dick was always inviting me to church. As a kid I only went to church for VBS as a 6 year old or for funerals. But, he made the invitation actually inviting to someone attempting life change without the capacity to pull it off. I knew that there had to be more. My first service at First AG of Carlsbad was quite and experience. But, the gospel was being sown into my life either way. I attended there two weeks in a row and came to the conclusion that this was not a fit for me. I come to realize later that the Holy Spirit was leading me away from emotionalism to truth. I needed the anchor of truth to unearth my brokenness. I landed at a small Baptist church one Sunday. Victory Baptist Church - a hyper independent fundamental church. My pendulum was about to swing - swing hard. My first Sunday at VBC they were without a pastor and they were candidating a potential new one. He was rough and loud and certainly got my attention. No emotionalism this time. But, I was emotionally shaken. His message was pure fire- gospel laden fire. I left shaken. The next week I continued to be read by the Bible I had stolen from my roommate. The next Sunday, I bravely re-entered VBC. Crazily, no one there was friendly to me. I certainly didn’t look like anyone in the room. This particular Sunday, another candidate was there to preach. This time, the man was more eloquent. A story teller that captured my attention around Daniel chapter five. The man from the week before had been used to unearth a fallow ground - This man would be used to bring me full circle and into the family of God. As he closed his message, I knew that I had been “found wanting” and the invitation was given and I ran to the altar. There a young man, took his Bible and walked my down the Romans Road showing me from the scriptures how I could offload my sin and become a new man. Here’s where my life really took on newness. That evening, I was invited back to be baptized. I was hungry to obey- my heart had been renovated instantly - at least it felt that way. After, my baptism three men approached me. I’ve written about them in the past. Those men were super instrumental in my life change for the next year. I think need to close here. My salvation story has many layers, like most peoples. It’s been 40 plus years since that day. January 1981 is still has vivid in my mind as yesterday.